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What’s My Motivation?

Maybe this:

Depression, in the normal, non-psychological, sense, certainly doesn’t cover it. It’s not the sort of sadness that implies. The sadness, is there, I mean, but it’s not paramount—more peripheral.

It’s more a sort of malaise, a general faded quality to things, a weariness. An emptiness.

A lot of it, I realize, comes from the way the newness of things wears off, my apartment specifically. I still like the apartment, of course; it’s just that it’s no longer exciting and different. It’s all right, it’s just near.

Another part of comes from the truly phenomenal amount of stuff I have, and my inability to be entertained by it. I have more books, CDs, and videos than places to put them, but no desire to read, listen to, or watch them. I have this vast pile of things doing nothing, absolutely nothing, except taking up space. And still it feels like there’s nothing here.

Or, maybe:

I woke up, lay in bed for a bit, did the morning bathroom things. I went downstairs and made toast, and watched a movie I don’t remember only a few hours later. It stopped raining, and I went outside for a cigarette. Then inside, video, shift the mess around without actually doing anything with it, food, cigarette, inside, video, and now this, twelve hours later, thinking about some whisky.

Waste doesn’t even begin to describe what I do with time.

Filed by shaun at May 27th, 2002 under fidelite

Your life is pretty damn lame.

Comment by Scarwood — 27 May 2002 @ 1:34 am

man, fuck you. shaun is stellar.

Comment by Anonymous — 27 May 2002 @ 2:32 am

I like that bit that says:

“I have more books, CDs, and videos than places to put them, but no desire to read.”

Familiar grounds, I’d say. :)

Comment by Lennat — 27 May 2002 @ 8:27 am

my advice man, get out of the apartment and randomly walk around hitting on the first girl who even vaguely strikes your interest, a great cure for semi-depression-boredom even when rejected because it gets self out of head, but im just a random stranger myself so whatever.

Comment by Tim — 27 May 2002 @ 1:46 pm

stop waiting around for yourself. join some friends and build something wonderful.

Comment by ryan — 27 May 2002 @ 2:41 pm


Comment by Anonymous — 27 May 2002 @ 6:54 pm

I have the same problem. It’s usualy with geek books. I have so many unread books. “Wont it be cool if I learn this? Then I’ll be able to make cool stuff! And get paid! Cool!” My recomendation:

go be nice to someone. I don’t mean in a wimpy way. I mean hang out with one of your friends and realy listen to them. I find most malaise is caused by being in your own head to much.

Comment by Emory — 28 May 2002 @ 6:10 am

Woah. Now that is deja vu. I feel exactly like you do.. my life is.. empty. It has no meaning, it seems like I can do nothing to get myself out of this rut.

I have so many things to occupy my time, books, videos, dvds, ps2 games, comp games, and I dont play them at all. It sucks.

Comment by Nalixor — 28 May 2002 @ 8:42 am

I know what you mean… really! Started working at a uni after finishing my degree there and somehow managed to stay for 3 years. Recently got laid off in a restructure, have 2 weeks to wait until i get some severance money, have no cash left, haven’t found a new job, have left my single bedroom unit and am back at parent’s house. So I’m thinking this should be rock bottom.. but am feeling better than I have in (LITERALLY) years! It’s like I was thinking in grey, and am back to thinking in colour. I’ve realised the opportunities that are out there and realised that PEOPLE are what is most important in the world.. they really are more important than things.. i realise that now, and am glad I do. My advice is to make some major changes.. it’s worked for me.

i appreciate the honesty of what you’ve written, well done. don’t listen to stupid comments from people who love to put people down, hang in there.. things will improve, and it’s a great feeling when it happens.

Comment by osh'j — 28 May 2002 @ 9:18 am

osh’j – I hear ya..but when you say “make some major changes” – what sort of changes and how to go about doing them? who helped you make these changes?

Comment by phoney — 28 May 2002 @ 8:57 pm

So let me get this straight, you are bored of living a boring existence? Wow, what a shock! Who would’ve thought that’s how you would feel about doing nothing. I was under the impression that if I was too mope around my apartment day after day that I would really be enjoying the fullness of my life.

I have experienced exactly the same emotion and lifestyle as you’ve described, for what seemed like an eternity. Though now that I have managed to shake it I look back and wonder how I could have been so poor in my approach to life. Don’t indulge in your depression and malaise by writing about it on your E/N webpage, go out and interact with people, once you find a good set of friends and reciprocate their friendship this malaise you are feeling will just disappear.

Comment by CukO — 28 May 2002 @ 10:36 pm

A number of points:

1) Yes, my life is lame. I’m aware of it; I don’t think it makes me special; I’m certain I’m not the only one in this situation; I’m realize it’s my fault.

2) Sitting around my apartment, which I will grant is hardly conducive to the sort of wildly entertaining social interactions everyone would probably more enjoy me writing about, has little to do with this feeling. I have greatly enjoyed myself many times in the past while doing just as little as I’m doing now. Entertainment has more to do with approach than activity.

3) Other people, mostly, don’t affect the feeling other than temporarily; it’s more of a distraction than a solution. I may be wrong in this—the secret to what I’ll for lack of a better term call the happy life may be stringing together those momentary distractions into some sort of rosary of contentedness, but I’d rather have something a little more stable, thank you.

4) My web site is not an E/N page.

Comment by Shaun — 29 May 2002 @ 3:42 am

What’s an E/N page?

Comment by Anonymous — 29 May 2002 @ 11:00 am

A numerical assortment of retorts.

1) If you don’t feel your situation is special why do you continue to write about it? Perhaps if you wrote about something that is special then maybe your outlook on life may improve.

Please don’t believe that writing about your negative feelings is therapeutic in any respect, because it isn’t.

I am sure it would be more beneficial to write about positive things as opposed to indulging in your depression.

Whilst I wouldn’t say that your feelings are your fault, I would implore you to realise that you are capable of breaking this cycle and it is hence your fault that you are failing.

2) The fact that you are not content with this lifestyle anymore indicates that you are now bored of it, and subsequently this reciprocates in depression.

Ergo, you are unable to enjoy this or any other activity as you are depressed, it is a perpetual downward spiral that can be “snapped” out of.

There are only two ways to fundamentally change a person, a short period of extreme emotions or a long period of weak emotions. This applies to negative and positive emotions equally.

3) Firstly find better friends and/or partners. I assure you there are people on this planet who can make you happier than you ever dared imagine, the trick is to find them.

Your theory with regards to the rosary is in my opinion completely incorrect. With that approach I assure you that the first hardship you face will rip apart your rosary and leave the beads scattered all over the place.

It is very ego-centric of you to believe that is the model on which most people base their lives on, then subsequently reject it as it isn’t good enough for you. Here is an idea, how about being a Chalice (keeping with the catholic imagery) of happiness and when something negative or tragic happens then thats another drop of wine (suitably alcohol is a depressant:) in you. That way as long as the chalice doesn’t break then you will be able to pour out the wine and return to a normal state of happiness at your leisure.

Stop being so weakminded and help yourself or get help, go to a doctor, you might have clinical depression. Thank you.

4) This is an E/N webpage.

Comment by CukO — 30 May 2002 @ 1:51 am

To reiterate L’Etranger’s question: What is and E/N webpage? Damn me for not being privvy to the latest internet lingo!

And L’Etranger, fuck you, man. I’m sure Shaun is “stellar”, but you have to admit that the portrait he paints of his existence is pretty damn lame.

Comment by Scarwood — 30 May 2002 @ 5:17 am

E/N = everything/nothing

Comment by CukO — 30 May 2002 @ 6:19 am

E/N = everything/nothing

Comment by CukO — 30 May 2002 @ 6:52 am

How can a page be everything/nothing, full stop? Everything to whom? Nothing to whom?

Comment by Anonymous — 30 May 2002 @ 1:38 pm

Never thought it would be so interesting to read the above pseudopsychology — but it is. I’m currently working on my doctorate in psychology — and as for being able to ‘snap’ out of a major depression — one can’t (usually) without meds. If a person could, then they would. But this is not what you have. IMOP. Check into dysthymia if you’re interested. It’s really more a depressive, negativistic state of being. I do agree with the suggestions made above — but what’s more important is to turn your own ‘recovery?’ changes — over to you. If you’re happy with your angst (as so many people are — though not admittedly so) then revel in it.

BTW, your life sounds tremendously like mine did — actress/writer in high school. Did some undergrad in the same area — poetry, alllll during kindercollege. *L* Only, never did learn to play any instruments — but the voice has gotten better. *wink*

Good luck with your endeavors.

Comment by Cat — 30 May 2002 @ 7:55 pm

Uhh, yeah, this is much later than anyone’s going to read this, but what the hey.

I’d be inclined to agree to what you say, Cuko, if you’d at least said that your advice/perspective has helped someone who’s in a similar situation to Shaun here. But you haven’t.

Also, lets go around and tell him what’s therapeutic to him or not. I mean, you DO know him fairly well, right? I mean, to assume something about someone else, like, oh, I dunno, their existential perspectives, would be egocentric, right?

Oh yes, how suitable it is to use alcohol in your imagery! Alcohol is a depressant, so it makes people depressed. *Hits forehead* And I always thought that alcohol was a central nervous system depressant. Silly me.

Comment by Vern — 16 Aug 2006 @ 6:19 pm